Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
