can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
