god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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