i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
