Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
