Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
