I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
