STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
