sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
