My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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