I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
