Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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