these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
