I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You can't motorboat a personality
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
