i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
