i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
