....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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