you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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