worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
