I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
