How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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