my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
