i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
