Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
