She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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