Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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