is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
sarcasm needs its own font
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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