I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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