im about as happy as oj after his trial
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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