I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
