Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
