u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
