weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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