Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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