Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
