you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
