How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
