I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
