i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
