Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
