Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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