He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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