I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
