**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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