Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
