I cannot find my penis.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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