I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
