naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
