gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
