Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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